Wednesday January 5, 2011

This year has started more peacefully than most, we are all well, nobody is pregnant & for the most part my kids are staying out of trouble. BUT I always have had to get past today~The anniversary of my Mothers death. Always a reflective day for me...what kind of relationship would we have, what would she think of my family, would she be proud of me? In my "happily ever after" fantasy she would think I am wonderful. We would talk a few times a week, she would adore my children & send them special things in the mail. We would take Mother/Daughter getaway trips & share our secrets and laugh till we cried. Do women really do those things with their Mother's??? I will never know and by some sort of twist of fate I was handed 4 baby boys to love and nurture to the best of my ability. Now there is a sentence to ponder during many sleepless nights...The best of my ability~did I really try my best, was/is my best good enough? Can you be a good Mother if you didn't have one? We have to take tests in school, for driving sometimes for a new job...but these babies get handed to us and we are sent on our way. Young and inexperienced, with much growing up of our own left to do. Now I am finally at the age that I can say "If I had to do it all over again"...but while I am smart enough & mature enough to utter that phrase I really don't know what I would change, any change would make today different and I am happy where I am today, but I am not sure my children are. When do we stop feeling responsible for how our children get through a day? What makes some kids give it everything they have & some kids just do enough to get by & some not even that much? And when does it stop being about how they were raised & more about the effort they are putting into themselves. I wish I could ask my Mom. Sometimes I feel like I am putting something together that came without directions and there is no costumer service line to call! Thankfully in the last 5 years I have reconnected with an old high school friend who has seen me through an amazing string of events, that even my extended family did not stand by me through. Without her daily input, advice and support I truly have no idea how we would have survived! I don't know why she stands by me when know one else,including my closest family,would? I am so grateful for her non-judgmental support~I have never had any kind of relationship like this before and I do not know how I got this far without it. No matter what I say or do she does not turn her back on me or say she is too busy too listen.(even when she is)It's like having the sister I never had, except that because she is not my family I never worry that she is there because she has to be or she will walk away because I make her look bad~She is here because she is my friend and having a friend makes days like today easier to get through. My father has still not called, written or emailed. Who really knows if my Mother had lived if we would have had my fantasy relationship or fought like cats and dogs. Nobody really knows why life turns out the way it does~my path was changed on a fateful January day 36 years ago. That day has brought me more pain and sorrow than anyone could ever imagine, but it has also brought me my husband (who I never would have met had my Mother lived) & therefore my children and to this paradise I live in. Would I give it all up to have my mother back...when I have a father who is alive but refuses to be a part of my life. My life has many unanswered questions and yet for the first time I feel more in control and happier than I have been in years. The powerful gift of friendship has given me the confidence I need to get through a day, sometimes even an hour.
" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."
- Arabian Proverb
So I say a little prayer for my Mom on this 36th year in Heaven & I wish for just a moment of clarity in which to hear her wisdom...in my heart I like to think she sent me the person I needed to stand by me in my old age.
My thoughts scattered in this post, the baby distracted me many times, the phone rang and the dog needed to go out~luckily it is MY BLOG and it can wander as my thoughts tend to do. My point was to say that having a friend can make days like today more bearable and having a father who is alive, but won't speak to you is more unbearable than having a Mother who doesn't because she can't.

Monday November 22, 2010

9 months since I have blogged~hmmm long enough to have a baby (except when you are actually pregnant,then it seems to take 2 yrs.!) Let us all take a moment to be thankful that THAT is not what I have been doing!!! As I was pondering what I am Thankful for this year, and might I say it has been a banner year in so many ways, it has also been a very (finding a fitting word to put here is proving harder than I thought!) disillusioning year also. My age seems to be catching up with me and lack of health insurance, since my husbands profession has gone to contracting only, has set me back on my dreams a little...BUT we are THANKFUL he is working!!! The past nine months have been spent paying off a majority of our bills, pool loan DONE! cars PAID OFF! Life insurance has been upped and now, like Jimmy Stewart, I am worth more dead than alive. And yet, somehow I manage to be THANKFUL to be alive! Mostly because of my wonderful children~in May I cut the cord on the most gorgeous Granddaughter ever to be born! It was the most amazing experience I have ever been a part of, I THANKFUL to my Daughter in law for allowing me to share that with her! I am THANKFUL that my youngest, who is 3 & their youngest, who will be 3 in December, are both potty trained! I am way to old to be chasing these boys around, but it is getting easier now that they are getting older. The other 3 are managing to stay out of trouble~for THAT I AM THANKFUL!
Now for the dream, and yes at this point I have to say it is still a dream, but thanks to a handful of devoted friends I am managing to struggle along with my business~for them I am always THANKFUL! The Food Truck has been picked, the business plan has been written, S corp or LLC has been decided~I vote LLC, so that when I do open an actual Deli I can appoint a separate manager to run one or the other. Health Dept. codes have been studied, Specs obtained for their review, Menus hashed over, sandwich names laughed over, WIFI & other faxing options checked into, trucks test driven and LOTS of food given away! We are calling it research~and we are THANKFUL to all the eaters, the salesmen, the operators and anyone else who has answered my 10 million phone calls, emails, drop bys, facebook threads, wall comments etc.! A nerve problem in my foot that started in May & ran up an insane amount of doctor and hosp bills kept me off my feet for alot of the summer, and held me back from saving money I had planned on saving since the other bills had been taken care of...2 steps forward 3 steps back~BUT I am THANKFUL I am not ending the year in debt! And I am still alive & kicking w/ no blood clot in my leg~so again I am THANKFUL! I am learning a lot about credit, have been watching Bio's on Donald Trump, Richard Branson & od'ing on Clark Howard & that wacko Jim something on the stock show. I have not been wasting a second of time saying poor me, I am thinking that these things happen for a reason~if i was not off my foot I never would have learned as much as I did this year about running a business, I am not one to sit still for long.
I have a million other things to be THANKFUL for, but none of them would be possible without the constant love and support of my husband, next year we will be married 25 yrs! Through thick & thin, and all the other vows we took~he has been right here by my side. There were critics who said it would never last, we were too young, he was from the wrong side of the tracks...I let them all say what that wanted and married him anyway~lucky me! Smart me! THANKFUL ME!!!
Now I will tell a little story about people who claim they are from the right side of the tracks, people who think that what you do is much more important than who you are. People who smile to your face, but use you as fodder for their shallow conversations as soon as you are out of earshot. People who say they love you, but don't act like they love you, people who turn their back on you and walk away without a word because they were wrong! It was supposed to be a wonderful visit, my sons birthday coincided with the timing, which made it that much more special. Phone calls flew back & forth, where would be the best place to stay, what should the agenda be, concerns that my foot would not be up to too much walking. As the time grew closer, we dusted, waxed, polished, dry cleaned curtains. Recreated favorite recipes from days gone by~the day finally arrived~the kids waited with baited breath, a beautiful lunch was set out~the house sparkled!!! So exciting!! THEY'RE HERE~the kids are shouting, running outside for hugs & kisses...wonderful. everyone comes in for lunch & I am asked where the local stores are & literally before I know it, he is gone...for hours~o.k. 1 1/2, but still! Finally someone calls his cell, radio shack, an oil change and a smoothie later~he is back! WTF? Are you kidding me~why?? We go around a little, this is my home, my children~I feel protective of them both, no compliments on the food, my home, no questions to the kids about school. He decides to escape again, this time under the guise of getting my son, who has already been suitably gifted, to the store...The only thing my son remembers about this trip is that the passenger told the driver to watch out, someone tried to cut them off, and the driver said~thats o.k. let them hit us! We finally all go to dinner, trying to let the little ones have a good day...I assume~I really don't know at this point what is going through his mind as we eat dinner like a bad Seinfeld episode, talking into our underarms about each other~truly ridiculous! But the children have a wonderful time & when we are done we go into the parking lot to chat, I go to the car to change the babies~chatting with the others as HE chats with my sons...when I am finished with the babies I see him get into his car and drive away. My 2 oldest ask if he said goodbye or anything? NO! We figured he was going to pull around the parking lot...nope! My FATHER apparently came all the way to North Carolina to replace his bluetooth, get an oil change, buy a smoothie & dinner...just so he could finish the evening by turning his back on me in front of my children and walking away because he is too (what word again?) proud, selfish, self centered????? What??? too what to just say I am sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I see you worked very hard~the house looks beautiful etc...I have only heard from him twice since then~to ask why the baby's birthday check had not been cashed and to inform me~in the subject line of an email~that a dear relative had passed away. I have thought about this long and hard~We tell our children NOTHING could make us stop loving you,there is NOTHING you could do that would make me turn my back on you! I spoke to my Rabbi about forgiveness, as I find myself opening my email everyday to see if he has come to his senses I wonder if I will be able to forgive him...but he never writes or calls so that ball is not in my court yet.
I was called the Black Sheep by my Grandfather and half of the room turned their backs on me when I walked down the aisle, but when I look at my family I wonder where I came from, how did I land there? I don't find myself as upset about my Fathers behavior as I think I should be. I am just me....and the man I married may not be rich, or college educated or drive a fancy car or take me on exotic vacations, but we stand together & when I cried over my father it was HIS shoulder that caught my tears. He has taught me to respect a person for who they are inside, not the trappings that adorn them. And for THAT I AM THANKFUL! I enter into this Holiday Season with an open mind, a happy heart and hopes that next year will see this dream to fruition~I am also THANKFUL to my little guy for playing long enough for me to clear my head!

Thursday!!! February 18th, 2010

How can it possibly be Thursday already? Wow!The weather is chilly, but my spirit is warm today~I had a moderately successful Valentine week...My most heartfelt Thank Yous to those who ordered from me~I hope you all enjoyed a happy holiday!!! Now I am thankfully in the process of working on a dinner party for 25 people, such fun! I told my BFF today that I am so lucky because when I have to practice what I do I get to make something delicious!!! Unlike the atheletes we have been watching on the Olympics this week~those kids work SO HARD!! I have been watching with my 9 year old and I don't think at that age we realized how hard these people work. They are amazing!!!
So my hubby turns 46 this week~I told a friend of mine it was my hubby's birthday and she asked if it was a "big one" I thought for a second and then I told her YES! for me...I am married to someone who is almost 50!!! HELLO??? that cannot be possible, when did this happen? When I look at him I see the same person he has always been, we are the same people who once sat at the bluff (some of you will know where that is, some of you won't!) we spent a lot of time at the bluff during our dating years, and I remember one night looking at the moon and talking about our future and he said~I want to teach my kids to ride a bike. Out of nowhere, I will never forget what he looked like when he said that~I thought he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen~he was 19 and the future seemed so far away...now it is 27 years later and so far he has taught 2 sons to ride a bike, mow a lawn, drive a car~we have been through a lifetime together, sometimes we sit around the table when the kids are all home and talk about whatever memories stick in their heads and I am astounded that we have a lifetime of memories. We have laughed, cried, screamed,prayed, and loved together for almost our whole lives...we are blessed to have each other. We somehow managed to raise a family, while trying to raise ourselves. Some days we hit the mark, other days we failed miserably~but we are still trying together everyday. And for anyone who thinks it is not work, you are wrong~work at love everyday and it will reward you in ways you could never imagine, if you are open to seeing it and believeing it.
I wish my hubby a wonderfully happy birthday~and I hope many, many, many more...after all who else would put up with me???
Now time to bake some "practice" Hamentashen...I wonder who I can get to sample them?

Wednesday Feb. 10th

Apple Cobbler in the oven~a very comforting smell on this incredibly windy day. I have started using the date on my blog because I have come to the conclusion that for reasons beyond my control I will not be able to write everyday, and if I am lucky somedays I will write twice. Even though my blogging is a new experience it seems to me that people are thinking that my cooking is new also...so not true! HA! So I am going back to the archives today to shed a little light on my experiences. I grew up on Long Island in New York. As a north Shore girl...and yes there is a difference, at least according to my husband there is~the South Shore Girls are more streetwise, the North Shore Girls are J.A.P.S, which stands for Jewish American Princess~which, in short means that our Daddy's do everything for us and by the time we are 18 we are no more able to take care of ourselves than we were at lets say~12. So while I vehemently deny this theory, I will admit that when I graduated high school I drove a very nice black Firebird, had a bank account, nice clothes and had never had a job! Enter the blue collar boyfriend~worked in construction, drove and OLD chevy, had his own apartment and smoked. To say that my father was not amused is an understatement! HA! but I was in love, and by the time I graduated we were talking marriage...over my dead body, said my father~and then he said~if you live together for a year and do not kill each other, I will give you a wedding. DONE!!! We found a basement apartment, on the South Shore, and moved in~happy as clams. I proceeded to have every job known to man~i worked in a pharmacy (or 2!) a dry cleaner,toys r us, pizza place, cleaned houses and then a deli~I had found my niche. Good Music, great people in and out all day and plenty to keep me busy. I didn't care for the slow pace of retail, even though as my Dad pointed out, that was the job that had benifits...nope it was the deli life that caught me~i am a sucker for instant gratification! Get paid in cash at the end of the day, run around on deliveries in a cool car with the tunes cranked, regulars asking for me to make their lunch and taking leftovers home for dinner~AHHHH that was the life! I learned everything I could about ordering, specials, fish friday, lent, worked every holiday when nobody else wanted to. This went on for years and it worked out well when the kids were in school~I worked the lunch shift very happily~construction workers would bring their orders in written on 2x4's...brings back some good memories. Eventually I became at little overqualified and I started going into places that weren't doing so well, I revamped their menus, started business fax lines, and introduced new ways to drum up business~I was very happy! I would stay at a place for a few months and then move on~on Long Island there is always ANOTHER deli to work at...who knew that off of Long Island there is no such thing as a deli!! NOT ME! I had no idea when I moved down south that I would be out of work with no prospects on the horizon.Oh sure there is food, but nothing like what I did back home, so I have had to sort of reinvent myself~but it is, I am sure, like when Mcdonalds first went to China~I am making pastrami reubens and people are looking for fried bologna. I make bagels in a biscuit eating town...So we have been working on our Southern fare and by we I mean my hubby too...he has mastered the art of BBQ Ribs and I dare anyone to come close to him~a throwdown would be welcome!!! I can produce a tasty slaw and a light and fluffy biscuit, although i have to say it took alot of buscuit making and eating to get to this point! Someone asked me the other night why do I want to open a New York style deli in a small southern town and the answer is quite simple really~it is all I know~it is my passion, it is what I excel at, it is in my blood. But I will promise my town this...if I am lucky enough to get a chance to do it in this small southern town, I will also do my best to produce the best southern fare anyone has ever had here!!!

DAY 13

I am a day behind, so even though it is Sunday morning I have to catch up from Friday. So...I delivered my first big order to a dear friend of mine, she is so sweet! She and her husband have been so supportive of my (mis) adventures, handing out business cards for me, and telling anyone who will listen that I am trying to start a business. I get by with a lot of help from my friends~ I am a classic case of it takes a village.Yesterday was spent preparing an order for a lovely lady at my Temple~an order I throughly enjoyed putting together. I figured out a new way to dip and they look gorgeous!!! I am very proud of her order, she will take them to the school where she teaches and hopefully some chocoholic will be come addicted and not be able to live without my truffles! I aslo have a few orders lined up for the week and got a headstart on dipping for them, so I feel like I am in good shape. One cake order and a Blue and Gold dinner...this week is going zip by. I have a thing about making the time go by...I never intend to rush a week or even a moment,but my husband travels a lot for business and sometimes trying to keep everyone busy is a monumental task~sometimes it seems like it can stay 4 o'clock forever! So all week long, of course,I talk to said hubby a million times~at work he is a genius~they love him, he is always the first to get called for a job. He is truly the most likeable guy I have ever met~EVER!!! I am sure many people would agree. During these phone calls he is upbeat, positive, energetic and full of ideas about what our weekend will entail. He will talk about painting, garage sales, taking the kids out for the day (MY PERSONAL FAVORITE!)Then he comes home...Some kind of weird, travelling through the vortex kind of thing happens to him on his way home. I think as he drives home he must also be travelling back in time because by the time he reaches the doorstep he is a child again. Gone is the guy I talk to on the phone all week,in the door comes another child for me to take care of. Somehow he cannot think of a thing to do~he wants to help me, I know his heart is in the right place, but somehow it never translates into helping and now that I am trying to work we are reverting back to the old stressful ways that have hampered this project before. We talk, we argue~it isn't pretty and it isn't good for any of us, but I don't know how to change it and he doesn't understand what I am annoyed about. I am not one of those shy, timid wives, if I want something done everybody knows it, but why do I always have to ask or tell someone to do something. We pretty much have the same routine around here everyday, but sometimes I feel like the ring leader of a circus. A show that would close down if I were not here to move it along...and that is a big problem for me. How can I get my family to understand that if I am working it does not mean they should stand around and watch me or wait for me to tell them what they should do. Why can't they get on with their day without me having to organize every second of it for them? Last night I think they would have played on the kitchen floor all night if I did not stop what i was doing and kick them into bedtime gear. Why is that??? So here is my scary thought...if and this is a BIG IF~IF I actually became sucessful and my family had to be a lot more self-sufficient, how would they deal with that? They depend on me too much and while I adore them more than anything in the whole world, they are the one thing that can stop me dead in my tracks! The guilt is overwhelming~who will help with homework,who will stop them from watching too much t.v., who will make a decent dinner every night,who will make sure school clothes are ready for the next day~WHO will do what I do!?!? I have been a Mom for more than half my life...what if it is also more than half my LIFE?

DAY 12

Had a completely satisfying day! Completed 3!!! orders and I am very happy with the outcome. One of them went to a friend of mine for her Anniversary, rumor has it she is enjoying them. I took another to the doctors office with me this morning,along with a stack of business cards~I hope it will drum up some business. One of the nurses did ask if I catered weddings~my heart leapt! Then she said...not that I am getting married or anything, I just wanted to know! OH OK!! Maybe I should start a dating service too, set her up and then cater the wedding! She was cute, but I wish she was really getting married!
So working with chocolate is not for the faint of heart, nor is it for impatient people like me who like to get in, get done, and get out. It is a lesson in self control, in slowing down, being calm~not my forte at all! I decided nap time would be a good time to work, as the baby is a chocoholic. How long could it take to dip 45truffles? To say I am out of practice is an understatement...I have been on an extra long, over extended maternity leave and haven't dipped in a long time! But I thought I was prepared~froze the candy the night before, set up my double boilers in the morning as well as all the utensils I would need. Anything that was NOT chocolate could be set out and not raise the suspicion of said 2 year old. So of course the child does not want to take a nap, he wants to read 10 books, have extra juice and find the cat to give her a kiss~how do kids know when you have something that you need to do? I must give off some kind of vibe or something. So I have learned something in all my years of parenting, if I try to rush him it will take longer and I could blow the whole nap time wide open...So I steer him towards shorter picture books, give him an extra drip of juice in his cup...but then we can't find the CAT *@%*!! I usually rock him to sleep~yes he is 2 , but he is also my last (I hope), today he wants to lay on his pillow with me rubbing his back~I know I am being tested in some way so I just go with the flow. FINALLY I get him to sleep! Time to dip some truffles, I am ready!!! BUT MY HOUSE IS TOO HOT~ I start melting chocolate and then I take the truffles out of the freezer, I see them sag before my eyes~ok I tell myself,don't panic, what would the Cake Boss do???I open all the windows!!! Now I am freezing, but my truffles are happy~I stick most of them back in the fridge and work with 4-5 at a time. 2 1/2 hours later I am done and I mean DONE! OY! MY BACK~CAN IT REALLY BE OVER 3 YEARS SINCE I HAVE UNDERTAKEN SOMETHING LIKE THAT-HA! But on the other hand I survey my handiwork~NICE! I still got it! I stash the goods in the fridge, wake up the baby and run to pick up child #3 from school.
Now here is something not everybody will tell you...wrapping a gift basket or platter to look like something someone might actually want to eat is a fucking pain in the ass!!! OK I said it~it's my blog,get over it! I HATE TO WRAP...ANYTHING!!! Ask my kids,I don't wrap~besides being a total waste of money~I like to hide my kids gifts! I can't tell you the joy I get out of watching 19 and 22 year old men look for gifts~OH YES! If you want your gift you must work for it~I have to retain a little power...So now the baby is up, child #3 is starving to death (his words) and #2 is upstairs obliviously playing video games on THIS BOX~I am dancing around my dining room with a roll of cellophane wrap yelling for someone to find me the tape! With a melt down on the horizon for any one of us, I pull myself together and realize that THIS is why I always falter, how can I be the parent I want to be and do something I love at the same time~So I focused on the task at hand, tuned out the bickering in the background, and wrapped those platters in record time. And then I realized that it was fairly calm in the house, a little messier than I like but nothless nobody was worse for wear, they got dinner~frozen pizza and broccoli-and stories~a little later than usual~but we were ALL happy at the end of the day. I felt productive and content as I rocked the baby to sleep.It had been a good day!

DAY 11

I think the first time I felt like an adult was when my oldest child turned 13 and became a Bar Mitzvah,in 2001. (15 years after I was married!) We threw the party at our home. I saw to each and every detail myself.I prepared all the food, designed the invitations on my computer, hired what turned out to be a crappy DJ, flowers, table settings, wine...etc. My husband surprised me and rented a silver PT Cruiser. When I got into the car all dressed up, with my family of boys looking spectacular, it hit me! I AM THE MOTHER OF ALL THESE PEOPLE~MY HUBAND IS TAKING US TO TEMPLE FOR OUR SONS BAR MITZVAH!!! I remembered going to my brothers and all my cousins parties~we used to have such fun!! And even though I didn't feel the time passing, it surely did because here I was, not totally excited about hanging out and partying, but on the verge of joyous tears (which I did shed profusely during the service)and somber, for all the people who wouldn't be there, but happy and proud. There was alot of strife when my husband and I got married, not alot of people thought we would get to where we were~but there we were and I will never forget that ride as long as I live~I left my home still a young girl in my head, but by the time we got to Temple I had become a woman. Mind you, while this epiphany took place my children were in the back seat screaming at my cousin, who was following us. She was on her cell phone and there was a policeman behind HER! I remebering them screaming over and over~GET OFF THE PHONE! Funny how the memory works sometimes...but I digress, which I do alot~My point is that I have only felt like an adult for 9 years,so why are things starting to happen to me that are indicating I may be headed toward middle age!?! How can that be? It makes me wonder about my Grandmothers~I don't have a mother to ask so I do alot of wondering...and badgering my BFF! Do all women see signs of age long before we ever get old? Is a 90 year old woman really just 30 inside her head? I look in the mirror and I am often startled, I do not feel like the woman that I see~I told my husband the other day that somewhere inside of me there is a Demi Moore waiting to get out. I don't mean that because she is hot, I mean it because she is tall, lean and has long hair and she was on the TODAY show and I blurted it out while we were having coffee. I feel young and yet I have been asked when out with my youngest if he is my Grandchild!! #*#@!! I don't see that person or feel like that person and yet all signs are pointing in that direction. Will have to ponder my denial for awhile...but I have also made a doctors appt. to ask somebody more knowledgeable if I am headed "over the hill" so to speak!
On the business side of things...I have sent out a follow up on a dinner party, after alot of coaxing from my business parnter~I come from the "I don't want to bother them" way of thinking and she ~thank G-D~comes from the "Go out and get 'em" line of thinking. Happily I recieved a polite response from the client instead of a buzz off~I'll let you know when I am ready...I have started working on a couple of orders and at the risk of giving away more food I have decided to take a sample tray of truffles to the doctors office on Friday.I have NOT handed out any business cards this week OR made a flyer yet OR checked into the website that was suggested to me last week~maybe I will make a things to do list...I am also hoping by next week to have a few pictures ready to post on here. All in all not too horrible, but not 100% either.
Well the kids are home, my train of thought is gone. It is time for dinner, homework, baths and stories~hopefully to bed a little early...
THERE ARE TRUFFLES TO ROLL TONIGHT!!! ;-D