Monday November 22, 2010

9 months since I have blogged~hmmm long enough to have a baby (except when you are actually pregnant,then it seems to take 2 yrs.!) Let us all take a moment to be thankful that THAT is not what I have been doing!!! As I was pondering what I am Thankful for this year, and might I say it has been a banner year in so many ways, it has also been a very (finding a fitting word to put here is proving harder than I thought!) disillusioning year also. My age seems to be catching up with me and lack of health insurance, since my husbands profession has gone to contracting only, has set me back on my dreams a little...BUT we are THANKFUL he is working!!! The past nine months have been spent paying off a majority of our bills, pool loan DONE! cars PAID OFF! Life insurance has been upped and now, like Jimmy Stewart, I am worth more dead than alive. And yet, somehow I manage to be THANKFUL to be alive! Mostly because of my wonderful children~in May I cut the cord on the most gorgeous Granddaughter ever to be born! It was the most amazing experience I have ever been a part of, I THANKFUL to my Daughter in law for allowing me to share that with her! I am THANKFUL that my youngest, who is 3 & their youngest, who will be 3 in December, are both potty trained! I am way to old to be chasing these boys around, but it is getting easier now that they are getting older. The other 3 are managing to stay out of trouble~for THAT I AM THANKFUL!
Now for the dream, and yes at this point I have to say it is still a dream, but thanks to a handful of devoted friends I am managing to struggle along with my business~for them I am always THANKFUL! The Food Truck has been picked, the business plan has been written, S corp or LLC has been decided~I vote LLC, so that when I do open an actual Deli I can appoint a separate manager to run one or the other. Health Dept. codes have been studied, Specs obtained for their review, Menus hashed over, sandwich names laughed over, WIFI & other faxing options checked into, trucks test driven and LOTS of food given away! We are calling it research~and we are THANKFUL to all the eaters, the salesmen, the operators and anyone else who has answered my 10 million phone calls, emails, drop bys, facebook threads, wall comments etc.! A nerve problem in my foot that started in May & ran up an insane amount of doctor and hosp bills kept me off my feet for alot of the summer, and held me back from saving money I had planned on saving since the other bills had been taken care of...2 steps forward 3 steps back~BUT I am THANKFUL I am not ending the year in debt! And I am still alive & kicking w/ no blood clot in my leg~so again I am THANKFUL! I am learning a lot about credit, have been watching Bio's on Donald Trump, Richard Branson & od'ing on Clark Howard & that wacko Jim something on the stock show. I have not been wasting a second of time saying poor me, I am thinking that these things happen for a reason~if i was not off my foot I never would have learned as much as I did this year about running a business, I am not one to sit still for long.
I have a million other things to be THANKFUL for, but none of them would be possible without the constant love and support of my husband, next year we will be married 25 yrs! Through thick & thin, and all the other vows we took~he has been right here by my side. There were critics who said it would never last, we were too young, he was from the wrong side of the tracks...I let them all say what that wanted and married him anyway~lucky me! Smart me! THANKFUL ME!!!
Now I will tell a little story about people who claim they are from the right side of the tracks, people who think that what you do is much more important than who you are. People who smile to your face, but use you as fodder for their shallow conversations as soon as you are out of earshot. People who say they love you, but don't act like they love you, people who turn their back on you and walk away without a word because they were wrong! It was supposed to be a wonderful visit, my sons birthday coincided with the timing, which made it that much more special. Phone calls flew back & forth, where would be the best place to stay, what should the agenda be, concerns that my foot would not be up to too much walking. As the time grew closer, we dusted, waxed, polished, dry cleaned curtains. Recreated favorite recipes from days gone by~the day finally arrived~the kids waited with baited breath, a beautiful lunch was set out~the house sparkled!!! So exciting!! THEY'RE HERE~the kids are shouting, running outside for hugs & kisses...wonderful. everyone comes in for lunch & I am asked where the local stores are & literally before I know it, he is gone...for hours~o.k. 1 1/2, but still! Finally someone calls his cell, radio shack, an oil change and a smoothie later~he is back! WTF? Are you kidding me~why?? We go around a little, this is my home, my children~I feel protective of them both, no compliments on the food, my home, no questions to the kids about school. He decides to escape again, this time under the guise of getting my son, who has already been suitably gifted, to the store...The only thing my son remembers about this trip is that the passenger told the driver to watch out, someone tried to cut them off, and the driver said~thats o.k. let them hit us! We finally all go to dinner, trying to let the little ones have a good day...I assume~I really don't know at this point what is going through his mind as we eat dinner like a bad Seinfeld episode, talking into our underarms about each other~truly ridiculous! But the children have a wonderful time & when we are done we go into the parking lot to chat, I go to the car to change the babies~chatting with the others as HE chats with my sons...when I am finished with the babies I see him get into his car and drive away. My 2 oldest ask if he said goodbye or anything? NO! We figured he was going to pull around the parking lot...nope! My FATHER apparently came all the way to North Carolina to replace his bluetooth, get an oil change, buy a smoothie & dinner...just so he could finish the evening by turning his back on me in front of my children and walking away because he is too (what word again?) proud, selfish, self centered????? What??? too what to just say I am sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I see you worked very hard~the house looks beautiful etc...I have only heard from him twice since then~to ask why the baby's birthday check had not been cashed and to inform me~in the subject line of an email~that a dear relative had passed away. I have thought about this long and hard~We tell our children NOTHING could make us stop loving you,there is NOTHING you could do that would make me turn my back on you! I spoke to my Rabbi about forgiveness, as I find myself opening my email everyday to see if he has come to his senses I wonder if I will be able to forgive him...but he never writes or calls so that ball is not in my court yet.
I was called the Black Sheep by my Grandfather and half of the room turned their backs on me when I walked down the aisle, but when I look at my family I wonder where I came from, how did I land there? I don't find myself as upset about my Fathers behavior as I think I should be. I am just me....and the man I married may not be rich, or college educated or drive a fancy car or take me on exotic vacations, but we stand together & when I cried over my father it was HIS shoulder that caught my tears. He has taught me to respect a person for who they are inside, not the trappings that adorn them. And for THAT I AM THANKFUL! I enter into this Holiday Season with an open mind, a happy heart and hopes that next year will see this dream to fruition~I am also THANKFUL to my little guy for playing long enough for me to clear my head!